Social Media is Ruining Our Idea of Love
By: Jools Dembo
On Instagram, there is a post of a man giving his girlfriend flowers. The common sentiment in the comments section reads that “if he wanted to, he would.” On a Podcast, the host reads a story of a grand gesture that the sender's boyfriend did for her. “Ladies, if he wanted to, he would,” the host commentates. An edit of a celebrity couple. A Valentine’s day post. A quote from a romance novel. Those 6 words are always the internet’s reaction.
If you had asked me a year ago if I agreed with this phrase, I would have said yes without hesitation. But now, I think it’s total BS. Prepare yourself because I’m going to tell you a hard truth. Using and believing the phrase “If he wanted to, he would” is a cop out. It’s a way to avoid having difficult conversations and sharing our needs with our partners.
There is a video essay on YouTube by the creator oliSUNvia titled “our conception of love is messed up.” On the phrase “If he wanted to, he would,” she says that “it builds the expectation that our partners, specifically men, should know what to do and what we want without us communicating it.” This says it all.
Think about it from the other perspective. Imagine if your partner seemed distant or upset. When you ask them what’s wrong, they get mad at you because you didn’t cook them dinner one night without them asking. You would be blindsided and get defensive, probably saying something like, “Well you didn’t ask me to!” Every single person has their own specific needs in a relationship. Just like you can’t read your boyfriend’s mind, he can’t read yours, either.
It’s so easy to see these phrases on social media and believe them. Especially when our feeds are flooded with what looks like “picture perfect” relationships. But comparing your relationship to those on social media and taking it to heart is naive. Of course, we all know this. Saying that social media is fake isn’t revolutionary. But even though we know it, we still have trouble believing it.
Someone once told me a story about two of their friends that were going through a messy divorce. The couple hated each other. Yet on Valentine’s Day, the woman posted a picture on her Instagram story of her bed covered in flowers and chocolates with the caption “My husband is the best.” The photo was from 3 years ago.
We all post our own highlight reel and snippets on social media. We’ve all posted a picture from vacation when at the moment we click “share,” we’re crying in our bed. Yet somehow we forget that everyone is doing this too.
Okay, sure. Maybe this guy does really give his girlfriend 2 dozen daisies every single day. But you know what isn’t posted on social media? The girl telling the guy how much she loves flowers and how much she’d love to receive them all the time.
Another thing to keep in mind is that the 5 love languages really do exist. While I don’t believe that anyone has strictly one love language, we all definitely have ones that take precedence over others. This goes back to everyone having their own needs. Maybe you do need more words of affirmation than you’re getting. Maybe small acts of service is how you can be shown that someone cares. If you find that your specific needs aren’t being met, you can’t get angry at your partner if you’ve never expressed your feelings.
We think that love is gifts, surprises at work, bouquets of flowers every day. And while these things are one way to show love, it’s not the only way.
One of my favorite quotes comes from the novel “Just for the Summer” by Abby Jimenez. “The best kind of love doesn’t happen on moonlit walks and romantic vacations. It happens in between the folds of everyday life.”
Love is the small things. It’s grabbing your partner their favorite snack from the bodega because you happened to see it. It’s listening to them while they rant about their bad day. It’s remembering their drink order at the bar. It’s letting them ramble about the things that they’re passionate about. It’s constantly wanting to touch them, even if it’s just holding their hand. Love is listening and communicating. Love is giving grace when your partner can’t read your mind.
Don’t let social media and buzz words and phrases make you doubt your own relationship. If you are happy and fulfilled, block it out. It’s just noise. And instead of thinking “If he wanted to, he would,” try thinking “If I tell him what I want, then he will want to do it.”