Why Women Prefer Yearning Men

By: Aneesha Mahapatra

There is something very attractive about a man who yearns. The kind of man who physically aches and suffers for his woman and would never let anything happen to her. The kind of man that would quite literally let the world burn for the woman he loves. Thank god literature and film have blessed us with these men from time and time again, which undeniably sets an impossible standard us women crave for and that real life men scoff at.

Let’s talk about Rivals by Jilly Cooper, a book and TV show that displays the passion of yearning like no other with a good old enemies to lovers trope and a spicy age gap. Rupert Campbell-Black is a confident and good looking casanova who is used to women falling for him. But Taggie is different and doesn’t fall for his charm, which makes him want her even more. Eventually, she starts developing a crush on him because the way he cares for her will make a girl do that. What makes their relationship special is that Rupert isn’t the one in control. He genuinely craves her in a way that softens his usual demeanor, but he tries to hold himself back. It’s the slow burn of his feelings for her, the deep yearning, that makes their romance so satisfying.

 Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice and Noah from The Notebook both embody the kind of deep, yearning love that women dream of. Mr. Darcy starts off insufferably proud but becomes a better man through small, meaningful actions like protecting Elizabeth’s family and respecting her independence. His love is quiet yet powerful, showing how much he truly cares. Similarly, Noah’s devotion to writing letters every day for a year, building a house for Allie, and never moving on showcases a love so deep it hurts. Meanwhile, today’s dating scene has men struggling to type out full sentences in a text or compliment a woman without using the word “hot”. 

Now let’s take a look at reality, where men often act like understanding a woman is some impossible puzzle. In real life, it’s as though even pretending to care is a burden. For example, when a woman is in a bad mood, a man will ask her if she’s on her period. Are women not allowed to have emotions if they’re not on their period? Why aren’t you asking what happened and what they need rather than, “Are you okay?” Because a woman will just say they’re fine 90% of the time, and men will know that’s not true and choose to ignore it so they don’t have to deal with any discomfort. However in movies and books, if a woman seems upset, the man automatically consoles her and asks who he has to take care of. We’re not saying you have to hurt someone obviously, but some reassurance and care wouldn’t hurt. 

Women who read romance novels are also often made fun of, as if their desire for a man who listens, longs, and fights for them is delusional. “Your standards are too high,” men will say. “Those don’t count as real books”. “Men like that don’t exist.” Oh I’m sorry Mr. Jordan Belfort, whose fault is that? No one told women they had to settle just because he couldn’t be bothered to remember her favorite snack. Most of the time, women are reading about these extremely empowering female characters whether it’s in a romance book or not that includes very masculine men who are longing for these independent baddies. I mean this is exactly why women make edits of yearning men on TikTok and talk about their favorite “book boyfriends” that embody the persona of the dream man. Yet, men in real life think that’s dramatic, as if they don’t freak out over sports games or worship a controversial, psychotic music artist. 

On the other hand, there's the typical modern man we’ve all had the unfortunate chance to experience. The one whose big romantic gesture includes watching/ liking your Instagram story and, if he's feeling brave, liking a photo from months ago. The thing is, when men do the bare minimum which is sending a text back, acknowledge a woman’s emotions, remember small details, or put in actual effort by being a true gentleman, many women will react as if they've just witnessed something out of the norm. And yet, these same women are ridiculed for loving romance novels and films. At the end of the day, women don’t just want a man to desire them, they want a man who needs them so much that they cannot breathe without her presence.  

This is why the criticism of romance novels is so frustrating. Women are told they have "too high" expectations, as if wanting a man who listens and truly cares is unreasonable. But let's break it down, if Jack Dawson could fall in love, sketch a portrait, and promise forever all on a sinking ship, surely men can come up with something better than “wyd?”. 

Every time a woman talks about these examples of love, she’s met with a laugh. “That’s not real life.” But why isn’t it? Why is it unrealistic for a man to actually put in effort? Why should women lower their standards instead of men working on meeting them?

The truth is, yearning shows effort. It shows patience, attention, and love. And if wanting that makes women delusional, then happily hand me my entire collection of Ana Huang books because I’d rather be delusional than settle for someone who doesn’t know how to be the man.